A lot of times when I write here, it’s to remind myself of the truth. This is one of those times.
Last year’s big lesson was “boundaries.” How to set them with an open heart. That’s the razor’s edge I’m talking about.
This year’s is shaping up to be “don’t settle” and it’s rocking my world at the deepest level.
Bringing up all sorts of stuff I’ve been trying really hard not to look at. For a long time.
I’ve settled a lot because I was scared and willing to take what came along or hang on to what I already had because that felt safer.
It’s a lie. It’s not safer.
It’s the worst thing we can possibly due to ourselves because it stops the flow and cuts off all possibilities.
Once we settle and say “good enough” that’s what we get, good enough. Not spectacular. Not incredible. Not phenomenal.
Good enough.
And you never get to taste blow the roof off.
Blow the roof off is worth not settling. It’s worth stepping through your greatest fears of being alone, being bitchy, being demanding, and high maintenance.
You deserve to be high maintenance.
Now that I think of it, men don’t seem to have this problem as much as women.
Men are either okay with settling or they don’t settle. It seems only to be us women who wrestle with this like we do. (Men! Let me know if I’m wrong and this is a struggle for you too.)
Women seem to get into this place when they are not getting their needs met of blaming themselves and being willing to revise their needs based on what they are getting.
I remember talking about this with my sister about a year ago.
She had these needs that were not getting met by her relationship with her boyfriend and instead of talking to him about it and letting him know, she said “But, maybe I just shouldn’t need what I need.”
Then, it came up again when she and I were out looking for a new place for her this past weekend. She found a place that would have been “good enough” – well, except for the fact that it was on the first floor in a not so hot neighborhood! And she was going to take it rather than holding out for perfect, which she had already seen, but had fallen through.
She KNEW perfect was out there and yet was willing to take good enough rather than be patient.
What a wake up call for me to see that.
In that instant, I saw all the ways that I have settled in exactly the same way. I judge myself, my wants, my needs and pull back because it hurts people’s feelings when they can’t meet them and they think I’m disappointed.
I shrink. I withhold disappointment. I tell myself “it’s fine” when it’s really not.
I’ve seen what it looks like to have my needs met and I know it’s possible. But ONLY if I hold out and be willing to be alone and scared (and every other thing I’m afraid of that results in me settling) until BLOW THE ROOF OFF comes along.
I don’t have to settle for good enough. And neither do you.
Not in your business. Not in your life. Not at all.
In a couple of days, after I get through this insanity that’s coming up for me as I confront this current fear set, I’ll be back with my sure-fire way for manifesting BLOW THE ROOF off so you aren’t tempted to settle anymore.
Until then, share with me your stories of not settling and getting exactly what you wanted so I can get some inspiration for letting go of things that are really comfortable and safe in exchange for WOO-Freakin’-HOO!
16 Comments
Thank you Alexis – just what I wanted to hear. I am struggling with some “settling” issues and it's a great reminder that “good enough” isn't always enough.
Love the post, A.
Not so sure it's female/male thing, though. There are a zillion glassy-eyed men who've walked away from their dreams and resigned themselves to the work they were told was what they were supposed to do.
I think it crosses both genders, but the challenges can be very different.
I agree with Mr. Fields up there.
I've been one of those guys that's walked away and settled because I thought that was the right (Daddylike) thing to do. However, it didn't take very long to realize the only roof I was going to blow off was the one my head.
It didn't make me feel like a more responsible parent, husband, or human being. I felt like a trap, and worse, I couldn't imagine teaching my girls to follow their dreams when I wasn't.
Now, I love what do. I feel like a responsible husband, parent, and human being. I have the FREEDOM to go out there and make it happen.
Great Post!
Alexis, I am not sure if you are experiencing a lot of the same things as me because we are friends or because we are the same age or what.. but every time I read one of your posts it is ALWAYS exactly what I am dealing with! (only you have a much better way with words when talking about your own stuff). Thanks for this post I needed someone to clarify why settling sucks. LOL.
BTW, if you need to chat, you know the number. Either way, as soon as you are there, let me know because we need to have a big friggin' BURN THE HOUSE DOWN because the roof has been blown off party!
Thank you Alexis – just what I wanted to hear. I am struggling with some “settling” issues and it's a great reminder that “good enough” isn't always enough.
Love the post, A.
Not so sure it's female/male thing, though. There are a zillion glassy-eyed men who've walked away from their dreams and resigned themselves to the work they were told was what they were supposed to do.
I think it crosses both genders, but the challenges can be very different.
I agree with Mr. Fields up there.
I've been one of those guys that's walked away and settled because I thought that was the right (Daddylike) thing to do. However, it didn't take very long to realize the only roof I was going to blow off was the one my head.
It didn't make me feel like a more responsible parent, husband, or human being. I felt like a trap, and worse, I couldn't imagine teaching my girls to follow their dreams when I wasn't.
Now, I love what do. I feel like a responsible husband, parent, and human being. I have the FREEDOM to go out there and make it happen.
Great Post!
Alexis, I am not sure if you are experiencing a lot of the same things as me because we are friends or because we are the same age or what… but every time I read one of your posts it is ALWAYS exactly what I am dealing with! (only you have a much better way with words when talking about your own stuff). Thanks for this post I needed someone to clarify why settling sucks. LOL.
BTW, if you need to chat, you know the number. Either way, as soon as you are there, let me know because we need to have a big friggin' BURN THE HOUSE DOWN because the roof has been blown off party!
I love your posts Alexis. I'm fascinated by human nature – why do we this? Why settle for “good” when “amazing” is definitely out there? I guess sometimes in the moment it's easier to settle, but never in the long run. We get one kick at this thing called life and my motto is to go for it. I'm always a helluva lot better off for at least trying and failing than never trying at all.
What's that saying? “Shoot for the moon cause you'll at least reach the stars” or something like that.
I've been settling in one area of my life and it's driving me crazy because I know there's more out there – but getting the “more” takes a bit more blood/sweat/tears to get. But settling is killing my soul.
So. I'm ready.
Thanks for sharing – I always think no one else ever has the same stuff going on that I do. So refreshing to hear the true goods from someone else.
Hugs.
Jen
I had been holding some things back as well. Until I realized that that was not why I was here. Not my purpose, not how I was meant to live. When I unleashed all that was within with the people who needed to hear it, I was pleasantly surprised that I was met with acceptance & that it was exactly what they were needing from me. Great job on the new blog & not settling! 🙂
Thanks Jonathan. I'd be interested to hear how the justification to settle is different for men than women. Do you revise your expectations when they aren't getting met by convincing yourself that your expectations must be too high?
Awesome! I love to hear when it works. 🙂
Yeah baby!
The whole thing about women revising their needs and it holding them back just rings so true to me. I was an extremely strong, intelligent woman who got into a relationship that turned abusive very slowly… and I stayed in it, basically out of fear of being an ungrateful bitch. It was only when I decided to stop settling for “good enough” (or “loved at all” in my case) that I got out of it.
Point is, not being able to say “I deserve better” doesn't only hold you back- it brings you down, and how low depends on how long you wait to say it. Once you make it a constant truth, there is no limit to how high you can go, or at least that's how I feel.
Thanks Alexis for this inspiration.
We women do tend to talk ourselves out of our desires.
So I am working on connecting with my 'princess-self' and hold firm on what matters to me the most!
Thanks for being such a way-shower for all of us.
Blessings,
Therese
I just finished listening to your interview with Carley Knobloch. It's inspiring to hear your story about not allowing other people to define your happiness – finding success on your own terms.
My husband and I spent the past decade settling in small ways as he was lured from company to company with the promise of big money. He did a great job negotiating work-at-home arrangements, international travel for the family when he had to travel abroad, etc. But it was always on someone else's terms.
We finally realized that the only way to craft a life filled with things that matter the most to us – i.e. three little kids, 2 months of travel annually, living abroad for a year, really fun house, etc – was to have our own business. So we started THREE. (you've got to figure at least one will blow the roof off, right?)
Now we're up to our ears in website development, warehousing / fulfillment solutions, developing an iPhone app, hiring social media consultants and PR firm, etc. But we're having more fun than we've had in years. Best of all, we're teaching our kids to live life on their own terms. It's soooo worth it!
I'm sending positive vibes your way and wishing you WOO-Freakin'-HOO!