This pattern ucks me up. Every time.

I sure am glad I overcame my fear and came fully out of the closet about all of what’s really happening in my life.  The thing holding me back from it the most has been my fear that the lawyers I serve will read about my bankruptcy, freak out and stop trusting me to deliver great things for them.

Ah, fears. How they hold us back from making the impact in the world we could be making if we just showed up fully as we are!  To remind me of that, today, I got this note from one of my lawyer members:

“I cannot begin to tell you how very much I appreciated that post!  It’s so easy to feel like a failure but your post helped me put things into perspective [list of all sorts of shitty things happening in her life right now that have kept her from focusing on business].  So, the big picture is that although business is not booming now, it is perfect for me at this point in my life. I have had the time to help my daughter and “just be” with her.I have been able to spend time with my father as he recovers from his surgeries. I have been able to help my parents with their business – we have built a website and have launched an email newsletter (I only know how to do this because I figured out how to set up an email list for my business through mailchimp).  They are going through some legal issues with the businesses and I am so glad I have the time to help them.  I have had to give up some things in the process, but all in all I am so thankful that I have the work I do and the time to spend on the relationships that really matter.”

Well, there ya go.  What could you share more publicly that might help others if you stop hiding it and let the real you out?

Before you answer that, I want to share something I’ve recently uncovered about myself that has got to shift. It’s a pattern that repeatedly fucks me up and, up until now, I have not been able to see it clearly enough to change it.

But I can now, and I’m calling it out of hiding, shining the light on it and I am committed to transforming it.  You can help.

Ok, here it is.

I have a deeply rooted belief that I must remain focused and vigilant about everything I do not want to happen because if I do not, I will be blindsided/disappointed when I do not get what I want.  As a result of this belief, I am incessantly focused on what I do not want.

I can now see how this pattern has repeatedly fucked me and everyone else around me. Again and again and again.You know your thoughts create your reality, right?  Of course you do. (If you don’t, pick up this book and give it a read. It’s a quickie.)

I know it too. And, yet, knowing that has not been enough to overcome the deep-seated belief that I must stay aware of everything that might go wrong.

So, I constantly point out what’s going wrong instead of recognizing, appreciating, validating and celebrating what’s right.  (By the way, I think this is a characteristic very common to many lawyers due to our training/indoctrination and one I will work to shift in the lawyers I train as soon as I get a handle on it me.)

Or, I get angry and resentful about not having what I want (and stay focused on why I can’t have it) instead of clearly and directly asking for what I want.

This pattern has got to go. It’s not serving me. And it’s certainly not fun for the people close to me.

So, I’m going to become a scientist, a researcher of sorts, dedicated to doing what it takes to eradicate this pattern in my life. It starts here by sharing it with you.  Because while you’ve probably heard that awareness is the first step, I’m going to venture to say bringing it out of the closet and sharing it is the second step. Otherwise, it can too easily slip back into a blind spot.

Now, here’s what I’m planning to do:

• NLP with LiYana Silver on Nov. 5.  She says I might be able to shift it in just one session. That would be exciting.
• EFT — tap tap tap it away.  I’ll need to find someone to support me with that.
• Access Consciousness — when I get back to Boulder I’m going to do my bars (I don’t really know what that means, but I’ve been hearing good things about it and I understand it involves touching my head, which I really like). I’ve been wanting to do it for a while and now I have damn good reason.
• Energy Work — I recently had a session with Anna Lisa of Luminous, but she’s back in Santa Cruz and I didn’t know about this pattern at the time so we didn’t work on it.  I’ll see if Krista Barbour can help when I get back to Boulder.
• Parts Work/Voice Dialogue — the pattern started to become really clear to me in a session with Stacy Goldring this past week and I’ve done some really great parts work with her in the past, so I’ll go back to her for that again.

Stacy says the first thing I need to do is get really clear about how this pattern has served me in the past. I’ve got a whole big story about that from my law school days and how it somehow supported me to graduate first in my class, but I’ll have to share that with you another day because it’s too late tonight.

Then, she says I need to get really grateful to the pattern because things are most easily transformed from a place of love and appreciation.  So, I’ll need to work on that because I’m not particularly thrilled with this pattern right now.

Do you want to help eradicate this pattern and maybe call it out in yourself and be done with it too?  If so, here’s what I would love you to do.  Post in the comments about how this pattern shows up in your life.  Also, maybe share with me how this pattern has helped you so I can love it in you and then maybe love it in me through you.  Send any other words of wisdom or support you might have for me.

Have I mentioned I’m really glad to be back? I am. Really. Glad.