Well, it’s day two and I’m still here, still not smoking pot and facing my challenges head on, fully present. And there have been plenty of challenges today.
Challenge #1: How did I Get So Out of Shape, Physically?
I used to have a Crossfit trainer come to my house and work me out 3 times a week. As I became unwilling to work as much as I was and my financial situation changed, I stopped paying for the trainer. That meant I stopped working out too.
That’s just something I came to terms with about myself — I need the support of a person, coach, mentor, community or partner to hold me accountable to things I don’t really want to do on my own. It’s part of the reason I am documenting my process with giving up my addiction to things that are green (marijuana and money); I know if I’m writing to you about it, it will be more likely to be successful.
So, I got really out of shape. You probably could not tell from the outside, but believe me I could feel it on the inside. And I definitely felt it today during my Crossfit workout.
I’ve joined a local gym and will be working out there three times a week after I drop the kids at school. I feel like such a mom now. It feels good.
And, as I was working out, it occurred to me that it also feels good to go somewhere to work out with a community of people instead of doing it in my house, in a more isolated way. Who knew?
Challenge #2: How Did I Get So Out of Shape, Financially?
I have made a LOT of very bad financial decisions over the past few years. Primarily, this stemmed from complete lack of presence/consciousness around money. It’s why I created my Money Map program (it started as something I created for myself) when I realized that I was building million dollar businesses just so I didn’t have to pay attention to the money parts of my business.
I’ve always been a very trusting kind of gal and I’ve invested huge amounts of money in waste just because I could.
Now that I have a lot less money coming in because I am focusing more on my own personal growth, spiritual practice and my children, I also have to be a whole lot more conscious about where my money is going. And it’s painful to see how wasteful I have been.
It’s also a huge eye-opener to see how deluded I have been about money — most of my life decisions have been driven by fear of running out of money and now that I am actually close to that happening for real, I can see how silly I was to think that was even a concern before.
This might sound totally insane, but I am diving into my fear of running out of money instead of continuing to be ruled by it.
That means I am not launching any new programs and products or taking on new clients right now and I’m only focusing on serving the lawyers and couple of private clients already working with us. As a result, I have had to juggle some of the payments on my debt.
I have BIG debt from the closure of my law firm after I sold it to the wrong person with the wrong agreement in place, the $100,000 coaching program I invested in, the lawsuit I settled with a former employee of my law firm, the taxes I didn’t prepare for after the first year I brought in a million bucks in revenue, the tens (hundreds?) of thousands I invested in people, programs and products that simply did not pay off, and on and on and on.
Today, I found out that American Express closed my merchant account because they do not like how I am juggling my debt. Yikes! How do they expect to get paid if they won’t let me collect on our recurring revenue that runs through that merchant account?
I am reminding myself to breathe, trust, not beat myself up, and remember that through every challenge comes my greatest opportunities to be more of who I really am.
Amazingly, I am not really freaking out that much. I’m staying really present with all of it, feeling it, not numbing out with pot or by rushing to make more money, but instead surrendering to what is, focusing on my self care and loving myself through it.
Challenge #3: The Courage to Stay Transparent & Authentic, Even When It’s Super Scary
Transparency and authenticity are buzz words that are oft thrown around, but rarely actually practiced. I am really doing it. Can you tell?
I have been receiving feedback that suggests maybe I’m doing it too much; maybe I should keep it all under wraps; maybe this truth-telling so publicly is not okay.
I cannot do it any other way. I wish I had been more transparent two years ago when this all started. I wish I had told you of my awakening as it was happening. I wish I had shared with you moment by moment what was happening as I let go of the team I had built around my million dollar business and why I did it. I wish I had shared more details about my break up with Russell, the kindling of my relationship with Craig, the move out of my house, the happenings here in the creation of this little community we are building.
But, I didn’t know how. I was afraid if I was this transparent, it would hurt me financially. I finally have the courage to say fuck it I’m sharing it all, come what may.
My zone of excellence may be to create great products and systems for you to implement in your business and make lots of money with, but my zone of genius is to share with you, transparently and authentically for real, what’s going on behind the scenes of my awakening and integration of that awakening. (Read the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks to understand more about how staying safe in our zones of excellence keeps us out of our zones of genius.)
So, I’m going to keep being transparent and authentic. You can unsubscribe and stop investing in my stuff if you don’t like it. Oh, that feels good to say.
And now onto the practice.
Day Two Practice:
Today’s practice is to look around like I did in the first practice at everything I see around me for one minute and apply the awareness that I have given everything I see all the meaning that is has for me.
Once again, I find myself resistant to actually doing the practice rather than just saying, “oh, I already know that.” But, I exercise mind control and do it anyway.
My mind judges this practice as too simple; it cannot possibly be making a difference. And yet my heart can feel the truth that it is.
So, I’ll be back tomorrow for lesson 3. (If you are doing the Course or want to, you can follow along with the online multi-media lessons here.)
Curious about any of this? We’ll talk about all of it on the show tomorrow. Tune in and if you do show up, chat me to let me know you are there so I can talk with you while we are live.
Will you join me in this practice? If you are doing the Course, how’s it going for you? Are you staying committed? If not, can you pick it back up? I’d love to hear of your experience and how/whether it has helped you. Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog up there in the corner under the video if you want to stay up to date on my daily posts about all this weirdness.
14 Comments
You and I are kindred spirits. Alot of what you’re saying is my life exactly. I’m going to follow you through this and I’m going to get courageous with my life and my money. You go girl!!!!
I personally LOVE the transparency, keep it coming!
Ali,
It takes courage to dive in and see, feel, experience and own the shadow parts of our selves. You are sharing something that is real to every human being on this planet. And something that truly determines if we are ever to live in harmony with each other and the world…The solution has and will continue to be a personal one.
We can’t go beyond what we have not gone through. You are leading in your expression of transparency and allowing others to do the same.
I appreciate you bringing this to the surface. We tend to create an A-VOID-DANCE in our lives. And I know from my own experience and that of my clients that…we are forever tied to that which we avoid.
Great work! Keep it up. It’s a breath of fresh air in a space that so often is saturated with a materialistic drive for more, more, more…and forgetting that richness on the outside is meaningless without first being rich inside.
Many blessings and love on your journey.
*Joshua
Ali,
It takes courage to dive in and see, feel, experience and own the shadow parts of our selves. You are sharing something that is real to every human being on this planet. And something that truly determines if we are ever to live in harmony with each other and the world…The solution has and will continue to be a personal one.
We can’t go beyond what we have not gone through. You are leading in your expression of transparency and allowing others to do the same.
I appreciate you bringing this to the surface. We tend to create an A-VOID-DANCE in our lives. And I know from my own experience and that of my clients that…we are forever tied to that which we avoid.
Great work! Keep it up. It’s a breath of fresh air in a space that so often is saturated with a materialistic drive for more, more, more…and forgetting that richness on the outside is meaningless without first being rich inside.
Many blessings and love on your journey.
*Joshua
Great Atticle!!!!I LOVE your authentic heart!!! Kick ASS I believe in you!!!!A great movie for you to watch I am http://iamthedoc.com/
There was a time when I lived in Vail, CO. that I studied the Course with a group of people every week for three years. It was at a time when I was having a really hard time with my relationship with my husband and I am SO grateful for the Course as well as the support of the leaders of the group for opening up their home every week and helping newbies like me get through it! I don’t know that I could have done it on my own as the book and the reading is NOT easy to read or understand. But I totally credit the Course for my spiritual growth at a time I was really searching for something and church didn’t do a thing for me. We celebrated my 29 year anniversary in Australia ( a bucket list item) this year thanks to some very key concepts I learned through it. Marianne Williamson was a HUGE part of my sanity as well and LOVED how she taught the concepts!
So KUDOS to you Alexis for picking that up… I would highly suggest you join a group of some sort to support you in that journey.
I also admire your guts in being totally transparent about your past and your current challenges. Watching your show has been uncomfortable at times because you are a mirror for many of us who know our own truth but are holding back from letting it out into cyberspace. It must be very scary … You are a GutZy Woman indeed!
I LOVE the advice you and Craig offered me for my lifestyle business on your 2nd hour consulting show and am working on it today after watching the video again today to scoop up every nuance … thanks to you both for such great direction!
LOVE
Debbie Ducic
Thanks Ali! I always marvel at your communication skills. I do feel your genius coming through and I appreciate your vulnerability. I wish you all the best on you healing journey and many thanks for sharing! I am with you – different challenges but similar process – the never ending awakening to care for body, soul, spirit, earth, and one another.
Keep it up Alexis! I’m proud of you for going through a discovery process for your own life, and working on becoming an even stronger, more beautiful woman than you already have been. I have faith in you, and know you can, and will, do this! I will keep you close in prayer, okay?
Ali,
I applaud your transparency and wish you an awesome, magical journey of self-discovery. You and your children must *feel* such a difference in your hearts and spirits.
Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly.
Heather
Yes, please, prayer is most welcome! Thank you, thank you, thank you Nancy.
I haven’t been doing the Course, but listen to Marianne Williamson’s lectures and books everyday, which are based on the teachings in a Course in Miracles. If you haven’t read them or listened to them, I highly recommend them! Check out her Miracle Matrix on her website.
Love and support on your journey,
Helene
I’m inspired by your transparency, Alexis. You keep me honest and keep me real. Thank you for being you.
It took great courage to share this Alexis. As another Crossfitter and spiritual business coach, I feel deep empathy for the pain of recognizing “Wow, it’s hard to wake up to where I am.” Yet, the only choice we really have is how we want to be in relationship to this moment called NOW.
Yes, some people might judge or unsubscribe. And, some will connect with you in a way that hasn’t happened before I hope you consider me in that latter group.
With gentle hugs and a loving “3 .. 2 .. 1 .. Go Alexis!”,
Paul
Alexis, I am so proud of you. I must admit, a couple of weeks ago, around the time we talked about the Cash Alignment Grid on the community call, I was a bit concerned about you … that maybe you were making yourself too vulnerable which can be really hard to cope with as the ego freaks out about your (its) safety. But I just watched the Whole Truth Show highlights from Sept 19 and now I understand better what is going on. The truth shall set you free, always! Your path will emerge as you go along and I know whatever that ends up being you are going to make a big difference in the world. It seems like you are in the process of shedding a number of identities your ego has grabbed onto along the way … brace yourself, it can be a bumpy ride (but oh so rewarding). Just make sure you consciously choose the new role(s) you want to play, or the ego will choose for you, and it ALWAYS chooses the familiar, because it equates predictability with safety. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) 😉 BTW not in any way trying to impose “wisdom” on you. Just saying I’ve been there! Yay for you.