I guess it’s time to get this over with and make the official announcement that Russell and I are changing the nature of our relationship. Yes, that’s new paradigm talk for – we broke up.
Those words so do not represent the reality of what’s happening though.
A break up suggests a complete break, separation and end. That is not what the new paradigm is about at all. It’s about transition and transformation.
Far more than a break up, I see it simply as a change in the nature of our relationship. As of this moment, it looks like we will continue working together, we will both be at Eden holding space to birth the new paradigm of conscious business and we still love each other totally.
We are simply not a match when it comes to living together, raising children and doing day to day life together. Yes, I know that many of you nodding your head saying “well, you should have figured that out before you got married.” Perhaps yes, perhaps no.
I know that without a shadow of a doubt everything happened exactly as it was supposed to.
It had to happen exactly as it did for the next evolution of each of our souls. My relationship with Russell guided me to let go to another level of surrender and ushered in the transformation that was blossoming.
In the old paradigm, when you ended a relationship, it was over. Kaput. Finished. Get the heck out and don’t come back, right?
Not anymore. Times, they are a-changing.
Now, we are realizing that the end of a relationship really isn’t the end anymore. It’s merely another step in the transformation.
I have long been friends with my ex-husband, co-parenting our kids together, even though we have not been romantically involved in more than 6 years now. Yes, there have been some rocky times, but our divorce hasn’t made me love him any less. If anything, our being apart has allowed me to appreciate him more.
My ex-boyfriend from right after my divorce lives on my farm, helps take care of my children and is taking the lead on creating a sustainable sanctuary at the farm.
Ex does not have to mean out of your life. Quite the contrary, your ex’s can become your very best friends. Here’s how:
1. Start off planning for the end, right from the beginning and create conscious agreements.
Not because you are a pessimist jinxing the relationship, but because you are a realist and know that we live in a highly evolving time, which means that any relationship you are in now will almost certainly transform at least once and possibly even more often during your lifetime.
My nearly 4-year relationship with Dave transitioned so easily because we had clear, conscious, awake agreements. Part of what led to mine and Russell’s clarity that we were not a match was that as we entered into the agreement process we could not come to agreement on many things without painful power struggles that were not sustainable long-term.
It’s what I love about the agreement process – you discover if you are in a relationship that can really be successful long-term early on and do not end up blindsided after deep entanglements that are hard to release. I do recommend you do this agreement process before you get married, not afterward like I did, whenever possible. But, if you cannot, do it as quickly as possible.
2. Keep an open heart through the relationship transition process.
Of course, as your relationship is transitioning you want to close down, protect, preserve what is yours. You do not have to do that. It’s a choice you make in every moment and I urge you to please make the choice toward more love, more generosity, more giving.
I truly believe that my unwillingness to fight during my divorce and instead to give in and pay my husband more child support and alimony than a court would have likely required is part of what allowed me to make $1mm in my law firm for the first time the year of the divorce.
Open more, give more, expand more, forgive more.
3. Learn, Evolve, Grow, Transform and Wake Up!
One of the things Russell and I were most in alignment about is that we are not on this planet to be in relationship, we are here to evolve our souls, to become more of who we are and wake up to the truth of our existence.
Relationship is just one of the many vehicles we are given for that evolution.
Use your relationship transition to receive more clarity about yourself. It can certainly help you to know what you no longer want, which can shed light on what you do want.
And, it can help you to see the blind spot and shadows you have been holding on to that keep you from being all of who and what you are. If you do not blame your partner, become a victim to the circumstance or avoid the reality of what this relationship transition is showing you.
If you are in the midst of a relationship transition right now yourself, ask yourself how you can show up as more of who you are throughout it and then be that. Use it as fuel for your transformation.
If you are not sure what to say after reading this and want to reach out to either me and Russell, I invite you to reach out with the same love and congratulations you did when you heard about our marriage. Yes, congratulations for letting go with love, congratulations for not staying stuck in the shit, congratulations for evolving to yet another level of our relationship.
I welcome your congratulations on this new stage of my evolution!
PS – lest you think any of this just applies to personal or romantic relationship, it does not; it all applies exactly equally to each and everyone of your business relationships.
32 Comments
Congratulations!
Yes… indeed congratulations.
There was no testing the waters with your toe….there was the dive in. The swan dive. And I smiled and wondered if I too could be so courageous. Courageous to fall in love and declare it loud and proud and submit to the experience fully.
Time no longer is a relevant factor on whether a relationship was successful or not. The only thing that matters is truth. And if there is more truth in you and Russell being apart than together, then be in truth. And revel in her glory.
I appreciate your exquisite ability to share your moment to moment learnings.
With love,
Farhana
Congratulations Alexis! For taking the chance and trusting in the first place, for trying to work it out, and for being true to you when it wasn’t working.
Yes, evolution is a bumpy road but how about asking for some smooth sailing for a while… seems as though you could use some after continually stepping up to the challenges in life.
Lots of love to you and Russell and I’ll see you both very soon.
Thank you, Alexis. By sharing your experiences, you are walking your talk yet again. Your conscious choice to create this post serves as a reminder for me that evolution is possible only through authentic sharing – and unconstrained receiving. So now i shall “pay it forward.” 😉
Congrats! 🙂 Would love to read a post about the conscious agreements that you make in a romantic relationship.
Congratulations to both of you, Alexis. So beautifully expressed. Thank you for being the change.
xo L
Whew Alexis! Congratulations for stepping up to the deep lessons of your relationship journey! I fully appreciate your courage to share. Most of us were never taught how to explore values, principals, and practical lifestyle questions with our beloved(s) before jumping in. I’m guessing it took a lot of painful authentic conversation to come to your decision to break-up. My heart goes out to you both and I admire your triumphant spirit.
Congratulations Alexis and Russel for another courageous step in your journeys of each embodying and living your truth and evolution, together and separately. I have remained friends with a good many exes, one of whom is one of my very best friends on this earth. I also very much agree that business relationships and even friendships could benefit tremendously from this kind of openness, communication and foresight. That way, there are few or no assumptions or false expectations and any surprises should be easily handles when mutual agreements are in place. And if agreements cannot even be made in the beginning, it does not bode well but there need not be hard feelings. I thank you for your honesty and transparency with this, and so look forward to giving you and Russel each a hug when we meet in Eden!
Yes, I would like to hear more about the agreements too.
Wow, I had a feeling of what was coming. I know its for the best and part of the evolution but I feel a sense of sadness. Since its so evolutionary, what is the best way for your tribe to deal with the transition?
As my new relationship unfolds, I would love to know what you know, to start it out with the right foundation. We feel compatible on so many levels, but what are the ones that really matter for the long term. So what exacty is the conscious agreements?
Thank you for your courage and your bright words of hope, that in the hard parts of transition, where we usually hold our breath and close ourselves, there is transformation, if we but put our intentions there and try. I’d also love to hear how to navigate and structure these agreements you refer to! Love and light.
beautiful Alexis!
So beautifully and soufully put, Alexis! Thank you for authentic sharing and teachings.
You are wise and caring and kind. I have had relationships change throughout my life, and most of the changes were very sad for me because I always found it sad when people I like had to move on, for one reason or another; or sometimes it was me moving on.
In 1994 during a time of much introspection I wrote about “Letting Go” http://amarquette333.wordpress.com/2010/08/29/letting-go/
Thank you so much for sharing your love and transformation. I have always admired how Russell and you have allowed us all in for a close look of transparent truth and love. It makes us all feel that unconditional love that most of us are seeking.
Congratulations for reaching that next step in your evolution…
Many blessings,
Chantalynn ; )
What a delight to read truth. I admire and salute you for having courage and conviction enough not only to do what was true for you in your heart but to give others permission to do the same by publicly sharing it!
Heidi Alexandra
Alexis, I wish for you and all your loved ones many magical blessings as you pursue the truth within your heart and soul…I am honored that you shared with me.
Much Peace and Love,
Kathleen
Alexis, I love that you are modeling for so many people that it’s ok to “break up” because one part of your relationship doesn’t work but continue to cherish and nurture the parts that do. As a fellow relationship evolver, I have often experienced my partners as teachers that I don’t spend my life with. I have often been judged for that but I’ve totally accepted that it’s part of my path. Everything is about the journey in relationship — not the destination. Congrats to you both for honoring the awakening in your journey. =-)
Much love, Melanie
Thank you very much, Alexis, because we found at this time we are not strange by having a good relationship with our “ex”. I see I have better relation with my former wife than we see in some married couples. The Love is the clue, and the respect due we understood we were evolutioning in diferent way (well, this taked time, and we had rocky times, that´s normal after a crysis, but we went far away for this). So, thank you very much for sharing so clearly and lovelly this cuotes about the chanching nature on relationships. Wish you best Blessings, and full Love. Namaste.
Alexis, I admire you for your transparency about relationships and I wouldn’t ask this if you weren’t already stepping out with a high level of openness… and this isn’t to judge… but what about your children? How are they doing with all this and how do you respect their evolution as you go through yours?
Thank you for your courage and willingness to model and share with all of us on the outside of your life. Now that things are accelerating it doesn’t surprise me to see relationships start, evolve, and end quickly. Everything’s on a shorter time-line now.
When you wrote “Now, we are realizing that the end of a relationship really isn’t the end anymore. It’s merely another step in the transformation” it made me think of my 20 year relationship with my husband. We’ve remained married despite many junctures at which we could have easily (or not) divorced. Throughout this journey our marriage has been a series of relationships rather than one long one. In or out of the context of marriage, relationships can and do transform. In or out of marriage, it’s happening faster than before and in my case, for the positive. We have chosen to remain married but to “end” a way of being in relationship that wasn’t working and begin a new relationship that does. Married or not, single partner or many partners through life, we all go through the same growth process via relationships. I’m just grateful for the awareness and growth, for the constancy of a partner who shares it, and not to be stuck.
Alexis, I appreciate and admire your honesty. I agree completely that we can learn, transform, and grow up through any of the relationships in our lives and that ex’s aren’t meant to be out of lives forever. I’m still good friends with my ex and he’s happily remarried with kids. My only concern is for your children. They don’t have the maturity, knowledge, skill, or life experience to handle the changes and growth as you do. I know you’ll do what’s best for them now because you’ve clearly shown us how much you love them but take care in the future because they’re the ones most affected in the long run.
Much love!
Alexis,
I so hear you! I speak the same way about expanding my 10 year relationship with my husband a year ago (aka divorce) which prompted me to take your Money Map to Freedom course and to create a program that helps people to get really clear on their deepest dreams and then to form life around it (http://www.zenyourbodyzenyourlife.com)
The consequences of living our deepest truth can be painful, but I know that you will be available for your deepest nourishment because of this. Look forward to seeing you and Russell at Eden Unplugged!
Shanti,
Beth Leone
Congratulations, Alexis! I too have been going through a transition with my husband for the last year (after a 10 yr relationship) and I so relate to what you speak here. We have been showing up and working through the harder stuff together and are committed to supporting each other with stepping into our next personal evolution. It’s not for the faint of heart for sure but such an incredibly powerful opportunity to keep seeing what we are actually committed to and stepping into our highest selves as a result. Blessings to you on the next leg of your journey. Love, Melissa
Wow…I hadn’t realised what strength we have… my ex and I are still very much friends having lived together for nearly 3 years after we broke up(nearly 6 years ago now), our friends and families found this hard to understand at the time. I congratulate you wholeheartedly and I hope your relationship blossoms and opens up to new realization. Thank you for sharing. Much love K x
I’m sorry, but I can’t jump on the bandwagon and say this is ok. People who jump from relationship to relationship have a serious problem. Don’t rationalize it as an evolution of your soul. Your evolution is the ability to love one partner, not change partners. There is no one “right person” for you to be with, only your ability to love another. Unfortunately, the common denominator in each failed relationship is you. You will continue to experience the same problems or issues in each of your relationships, no matter who the partner is, until you work on yourself. And I”m talking about real work, not the new age self-help guru crap that is pervasive in our society. Don’t rationalize away another failed relationship. Love is work. Use this failure to begin the incredibly hard work that it will take to solve the problem so that you can enjoy a real successful relationship with another person — one that lasts until either one of you dies. When that happens, you will begin to experience real evolution. I suggest reading books by Alice Miller and J. Krishnamurti.
Thank you for being open and courageous to share you life publicly and your lessons that meet, embrace and overcome the challenges.
Lesson reminder for me – Have the elements of the long term agreement process before the major long term agreement – marriage ceremony, business partnership…
Namaste!
Marriage as a social experiment is failing! While I admire your tenacity and desire to be in an authentic relationship, any chance you can take a break from adding to the ridiculous divorce rate? Its baffleing to me how someone can be so smart in business and so ignorant to matters of the heart! If you’re not sure that something will last and you’re not willing to do what it takes to learn how to make it last, why get married? What does marriage mean to you Alexis?
Hi Alexis:
Congrats on your transformation and the ability to look at it from this evolved state. I see how that takes bravery, strength, courage, and love for yourself to be able to do that. While I appreciate your views of the new way to breakup, I can’t help but wonder if all these men in your life from the past prevents you from truly moving forward.
Hi Alexis:
Congrats on your transformation and the ability to look at it from this evolved state. I see how that takes bravery, strength, courage, and love for yourself to be able to do that. While I appreciate your views of the new way to breakup, I can’t help but wonder if all these men in your life from the past prevents you from truly moving forward.
Nancy, thank you for this question. I did not feel judged in your asking and I appreciate the opportunity for more transparency. These are the types of conversations we need to be having in the marketplace so we can all evolve and grow. The question was asked by a few others and the answer too long for a comment, so I wrote another post about it. You can find it here: http://www.alexismartinneely.com/but-what-about-the-kids/
I totally know how that is! I have been fortunate to know when to walk away from a relationship, and still be friends. To recognize when something that is not working for either person, yet maintain grace and dignity. My first love was married, and his wife was totally ok with her husband having lovers, and I was one of them, even though you may never have known it. When I left that relationship, (friendly with both parties), it was interesting, because I loved the woman he ended up with. I couldnt think of a better step mother for my child, other than my sons first step mother (ex-wife #2). It is funny my sons family reunions consist of his father, his fathers 2 x wives and current wife, ex girlfriend (me) along with all the children who came along through the love of those relationships. The new paradigm… Interesting Oh and PS, my current boy friend… loves my ex and his family and my family loves my ex’s family The new paradigm very interesting…
and by the way… the children of this even more interesting paradigm relationship are amazing individuals, who are more evolved than most people I know. And so are the adults!