If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know my life is pretty amazing. I live in my (for now) dream home by the ocean. I work from home running a million dollar plus company that is growing like gangbusters.
I’ve got a hot boyfriend who loves me and talking about business and growing spiritually and loves my kids to boot. I get to be on TV, write books, take classes at Agape and make a difference in the world.
And yet despite all the amazingness, I have periods (not necessarily short periods either) of some real unhappiness. Painful unhappiness.
Times when despite all of the great stuff happening in my life, all I can see are the not great things that are happening. Times of great frustration, annoyance, irritation, and even despair.
Can you relate?
I haven’t talked about this before because honestly I’ve felt shame about it. Plus, a part of me thought it was just the way things had to be while I was building my businesses and under a lot of stress to support my family. That it would go away when [fill in the blank].
But now, things are better than they’ve ever been and tons of the “whens” have happened that were supposed to clear the blues away and yet here they are – still present.
I’m not in financial fear any longer, I know I’m going to do all the things in my life that I want to do before I die, I have a strong connection with God, a great relationship with my ex and my kids are easier to be with than ever before.
Despite all that, the yuck within me is still here.
When I feel it, my habit has been to look for a reason and blame those around me. Used to be my husband. Then, it was my employees, my business, my mom. These days, it’s usually my boyfriend or my nanny because they are in my space the most. I’d blame the kids, if I could, but I already feel enough guilt as a working mom that I can’t saddle them with blame too.
I suspect by now you are probably somewhat shocked. I come across publicly as one of the happiest people you know.
Very few people would ever know I experience this yuckiness. I’m the poster child for happiness. I was even the butt of a joke on Twitter when some guy said I’d be a-okay if only I had some downers. [ed. note: I don’t think that was the joke exactly and I can’t find it, but it was funny and you get the point]
I even hid this side of me from my boyfriend for the first several months we were together. Not intentionally. But, I was just so warm and bubbly all the time back when we were first meeting. At least when he was around. I kept telling him there was this other side of me. But, he never saw it.
He’s seen it now though. And, it isn’t pretty.
It’s not like I’m a mega-bitch or anything. At least, I don’t think so. It’s more like I’m hyper-focused on work and cold. Inside, I feel numb. I don’t want to snuggle, or have sex, or go dancing, or do tantra or exercise. I want to talk about work and only work and sit in front of my computer and clear out my inbox.
My mind tells me I’ll relax and have fun later. Later never comes. Or if it does, it’s spread out quarterly. Binge relaxation, I call it. It’s about as healthy as every other kind of bingeing.
From a business perspective, I’m most productive during these periods of yuck. At least that’s what my mind tells me. New businesses are created, new websites launched, new products brainstormed, new books written. And so much gets done.
After each launch, I promise myself I’ll rest. But then more ideas come. And I get busy again.
I can’t live like this anymore. I deserve better.
Fortunately, I know what the answer is and it’s not more money and it’s not more theory and it’s not more information or education or affirmations.
It’s time for serious self-discipline. I’m no longer willing to settle for a life of unpredictable mood swings. I’ve allowed a belief system to be created in my mind that says I am at the mercy of my moods. In order to experience the highs, I had to experience the lows.
It’s just the way life is, I had convinced myself. LIE.
I’ve been tolerating these lows in my life since I was a teenager, placing blame instead of taking responsibility for them and doing something about it.
I CAN experience a life in which I feel joy bubbling up on a consistent basis no matter what the external circumstances of my life look like and the shadow becomes what’s fleeting.
For that to happen, I have to abandon the thoughts that I’ll relax and have fun and be happy when we go to Hawaii. I have to take full responsibility for my well-being now and accept that if I can’t be happy now, I never will be. Not in Hawaii. Not after the next launch. Not never. The time is NOW. There is no other time besides now. This is what Eckhart Tolle has been trying to tell me for years.
It’s taken me a long while to get it and really understand his message, bodily. I do now. Fortunately, I also know exactly what I need to do and it’s not going to be easy.
I need to give myself what I’ve been craving more than anything else and is in the most limited of supply – me.
What does giving myself “me” look like?
* making conscious food choices everyday instead of grabbing one of the cookies the kids baked and popping it in my mouth for breakfast or a mid-day snack.
* it means exercising for 20 minutes every day, no matter what. Even (especially) when I don’t want to.
* daily practice of something uplifting spiritually or emotionally.
* going to sleep as frequently as possible by 10p.
Each of these things sounds ridiculously simple and yet they are the things I find most difficult in my life.
My mind screams to me that I don’t have the time for any of these things.
Here’s some of the BS my mind/ego spouts:
* 20 minutes of exercises really takes 30-40 minutes when all is said and done and you don’t have time and plus you look good in clothes anyway, so who needs it.
* one cookie won’t hurt you and it’s too time-consuming to figure out what food should be in the house and what shouldn’t and the nanny is doing a good enough job at heating up the Trader Joe’s each night. Plus, Trader Joe’s is pretty healthy.
* Asleep by 10p? Not possible. The kids aren’t asleep sometimes until after 9:30p by the time all the before bed kvetching stops. When will I get time to write? Read? Be on my computer for fun and not revenue-generating activity?
I need to be doing less and all of these things feel like I’ll be adding a whole lot more on to my already full plate.
The Truth is that my businesses are finally at a point where paying more attention to ME will pay bigger rewards for them than it would be for me to create anything more to do with the business. It’s time to let it be.
It’s time to let the passive revenue engine run, for me to create a consistent self-care schedule, which must take priority, and to say no to things that interfere with it.
I’m scared to death of that. But, this whole journey is about being afraid and doing it anyway, right?
So, over the next several weeks I’ll be taking you inside the journey for real. I’ll be sharing with you the self care schedule that I’m able to carve out, whether or not it’s working and where I’m not fulfilling on my promise to myself. Perhaps, if I’m writing to you about it, I’ll stay more on track and focused.
I hope you’ll root me on, tell all your friends and if you decide you want to come along and do what I’m doing, let me know how it’s going for you.
I’m going to be making these changes in the context of two coaching type programs
JJ Virgin, celebrity fitness trainer on Dr. Phil and member of my diamond coaching program with Ali Brown, is coaching me through the health side of things – eating right, exercising and sleeping.
Kristen and David Morelli, as part of their 40 days and 40 nights program, will be coaching me to raise my energetic vibration and while their program is about breaking through money blocks, I’m seeing it as breaking through my emotional blocks to happiness. I have no doubt more money will follow.
I just noticed though that it’s 10p and time for me to go to bed, so we’ll have to continue this journey tomorrow!
Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons Artist Irargerich
23 Comments
Alexis,
What a wonderful and inspiring post! I too, feel like a poster child for happiness, and then have such blah days!
I used to hate when people would say “oh, your so strong!” thinking that strength in a woman conveyed “pushy, aggressive and yikes *itchiness!”
I too, have gone a journey of finding “My inner Feminine Self and Happiness!”
Strength to me is no longer a curse word; otherwise, who would want to follow someone weak, or listen to someone who only emotionally invests half-way!
Thanks for the tears, the laughter and a shared “comraderie” in your post!
I’m rooting for ya! 1000%
Sincerely,
Jody In Beautiful BC Canada
I can relate. Except for the beach house, as I’m in the Midwest. 😉
Yeah I go through this too, periods of “yuck.” There always seems to be something I should be doing better, or more of, or sometimes I feel like I’m competing with others. If I’m not doing “something” in my business then I’m falling behind.
And my logical side knows I shouldn’t feel that way – I have so much in life to be thankful for – and there is enough abundance out there.
Not that this is easy or always works, but when I get into those unhappy times – I try to re-focus on running my own race. And sometimes I have to literally shut off the computer, leave my office, and go out for a jog to clear my mind.
I also try to remember that I just have to be myself and I have everything I need inside to be successful.
Thanks for sharing this – I know your journey will be successful!
I truly believe that God has put you in my life for a bigger reason. The reason is much more than just working for you and enjoying the work that I do. It’s much bigger than that. I, too, feel this way. I’m a happy, happy person – but I also have those periods of unhappiness. I can relate. There’s a much bigger reason…. I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure it will become more and more clear as the days roll on. I’m just thankful for you. Thanks for this post, it was fantastic. -Chels
Thank you once again for sharing all parts of your authentic self with us.
While I fully support your efforts to take better care of yourself both physically and emotionally/spiritually, one thing you mentioned, in an almost offhand way, leads me to suspect that there may be more to this than meets the eye.
You said: “I’ve been tolerating these lows in my life since I was a teenager . . . .” Back then (and consistently since then), it’s unlikely that you had all of the demands on your time that you’ve had over the past few years.
I urge you to consider the possibility that you may have recurrent major depression. If you do, the right antidepressant can do wonders.
I speak here from experience. I have recurrent major depression; my episodes started in college. After trying various antidepressants (under the care of a psychiatrist, of course), I found one (Effexor) that works very well for me, and I haven’t had a major depressive episode since I’ve been on that medication. The medicine lets me be *me*, not the depression.
Mental illnesses are no different than other illnesses. In this regard, an analogy to diabetes is instructive. If you have diabetes, you should certainly manage your condition by watching what you eat, exercising regularly, and following all recommended self-care advice. However, no matter what you do, you may still need to take insulin, because your condition has a chemical/biological basis. Depression also has a chemical/biological basis: it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s not a personal failing.
Like you, I believe that individuals have a great deal of control over what happens in their lives. Like you, I have risen to the top of my field by taking action. I have a career that I love, two beautiful children, a nice house in the suburbs and a wonderful husband. But there are some things that we just can’t control, no matter how much we try.
You may want to take a look at this site: http://www.lawyerswithdepression.com/
I’d be happy to talk to you more about this. You know how to reach me.
Alexis,
Thank you so much for sharing. Ironically, I had been debating topics (with myself) yesterday for the next Lipstick Wisdom topic and one of the topics that kept coming back to me was Self Care because I don’t do it and too few women do.
Good for you — I am anxious to track your journey and perhaps have the courage to do the same for myself!! I literally nearly have driven myself to the breaking point on several occasions which, obviously, is not good for myself, my business or my family!!
Self care to you and self care to me!! Thank you again for sharing!
Best,
Karen
http://www.lipstickwisdom.com
http://www.twitter.com/lipstickwisdom
Alexis! Love your post. I totally get this as I have been going through the very same thing and over the last year have had some pretty big ah ha’s I’ll share if it’s cool. I must say that your honesty with yourself is the best first step as I had come to that same place. Then to also be able to break down the thought process is even better since all our battles are in the mind yes! 🙂 As a fellow online dadpreneur I battled the same things. Let me ask you. Do you have the conviction in your gut, your know er, your intuitive space that says take a break or go be with your Kids? Well while I have had that too it’s taken me some pretty stubborn periods and major losses to figure out that’s where GOD speaks and all that comes there is for my best interest. When I don’t listen I am basically saying “NO” to what the CREATOR of the Entire universe, the only one who knows how to make it all work well. Pretty stupid yes. That’s like going to Warren Buffett who says Buy as much XM radio as you can today at $7 because in 30 days it’s going to go to $27 and you don’t. How stupid is that! Now the last time I checked my heart knows I don’t know as much as GOD however my mind, while it can intellectually ascent to the idea that GOD knows more than me, on some level thinks it knows better and so I choose to listen to the lie. That lie becomes my authority, my god at that moment in time. I’ve discovered that the frustrations, the anger, the irritation is coming because the real GOD is trying to say “Hey come away with me for a moment” GOD wants me to step back and enjoy this gift called life. When I do, miracles happen. Recently cash was tight. I heard “Relax” and walking out of Panera Bread Company I bumped into some one coming out and made a simple comment that in the end will turn into more than $300K. All from listening to the inner guidance. I guess what I am trying to say is Me too. I totally get what you are saying because the exact some thing has been happening to me. Recently GOD spoke to me because my desire was to have this million dollar online empire. I believed, despite what I knew, that if I worked hard on the business it would give me the money so I could have the time to be with GOD and my kids. Well GOD said to me on one of my late night walks…”If you would put as much energy into seeking ME and drawing close as you have put into your business, you would be in a much different place right now.” Now let me clarify one thing Alexis. This is not some phony Christianity I’m talking about where we methodically meet at some time to read a book or listen to a tape, while nothing is wrong with that at times, but it’s a real connection. It’s setting everything aside and taking the right time to really connect for real and say no to everything pulling on the inside. It’s basically say OK I’m done with it all and going on on a date with GOD. I go to the park, a lake and just hang out. I might feel led to read, to talk, to lie there and listen. With no requirements to when I need to be back because I’m learning to trust GOD knows when I need to be back. You know what Happens? I have a real connection. I mean a real living connection with a real being. It’s wild. Nothing like that ever comes out of Church with their agendas. So here is the point that after years of stubbornness on my part. What I have been struggling to open up to is that GOD really does know how to run my life and that GOD is really REAL. That GOD does talk to me in many subtle ways and that “Yeuk” feeling is the empty place that results when the mind battles GOD in the HEART and keeps us from truly connecting with a REAL LIVING GOD in a REAL LIVING WAY. Not like I just did with my wife who came out to say by as she went off to the store and I wanted to finish this post. We really did not connect and that gooey feel good connection that occurs when I really listen to her floods my being. Guess I’ll have to call her. back and give her my full attention without worry about what’s next. Thanks for being so honest so the rest of the world can connect to truth as well! I’ll keep watching on Twitter and your blog! Roger, iGoXtreme
Alexis, thank you so much for sharing that. I was actually wondering about you the other day, as I was going through my own “yuck”, which, like yours has been around since high school. I try to remember that whatever I might be thinking or feeling during that time isn’t necessarily the truth.
Ms. Solomon, thank you for sharing your experiences, too and for providing the link to that site.
Alexis,
You have been a great source of inspiration for me the last 6 months so I want to return the favor. This is similar to what Roger said above. Here’s my advice “Let go and Let God”. It is a simplistic statement but it captures a real essence of the problem that many of us have- all the “if only I can get this next client- everything will be alright” or “I’ll find time to nurture myself when I go one vacation next year” or “Once A,B,C is done- I’ll have time for X, Y, Z”. As a society, we are overcommitted and over booked. Even when we meditate, it is part of our schedule. We are fighting the flow and forcing stuff to occur instead of letting it happen, instead of letting spirit take over. This idea, of letting go, is important to all of us no matter whether we are Christians, Buddhists or Atheists. Another thought- there are many healing practices that are common to all faiths. People often think only sick people need healing but in reality we all need healing. Often, we are holding onto a slight or hurt from ten years ago or even childhood that is getting in the way of our progression on earth. We can learn to identify these issues and heal them spirtually. I’m pretty sure Agape has a healing program. Good luck, great blessings and love, Juliet
Wow Alexis! What a great post. It really hit home with me as well, especially your bullet points, “What does giving myself me look like?” These are the exact same things I tell myself on a daily basis. I’m a total cookie-for-breakfast junkie. I just know that if I can implement these seemingly simple changes, I stand a really good chance of getting “me” back on track. I don’t run a multi-million dollar business (at least not yet :), but I share so many of the same issues as you. I look forward to reading about and being inspired by your journey!
I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I do the same thing. And the self-care part is the same.
I suspect that the spiritual solution you’ve chosen, though, may not fully satisfy. You’ll get some great stuff out of it, but there will still be a lack when you are done.
There is a solution that does satisfy, but it’s beyond the scope of a blog post as a medium to convey accurately.
WOW is all I can say! Bless you for sharing your truth. I felt like I was reading a journal entry of mine (if I would find the time to journal). Your vulnerability is refreshing and clearly as you begin to focus more on your self care, even more brilliance will come into your life. I know now, more than ever, that you and I will need to connect in person. We are running on very parallel tracks. (Here’s a “truth” I recently shared – http://tinyurl.com/cvk9h2)
Big hugs to you,
Kim
Wow! It takes courage to share. I think almost every woman goes thru’ these situations at some point of time. This is true, especially for married working woman with children. Being in the moment/ NOW is something, we need to remind ourselves, every moment, become AWARE and practice.
Consciously doing one activity in each area, every day -Physical, mental, Social, financial, spiritual, family, business, career and academic-will help in living a fulfilled harmonious life.
Have you consider bipolar spectrum disorder.
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/bipolardisorder.html
Extreme high productivity followed by periods of inactivity are classic.
Alexis, I’m so glad you mentioned this post again. When you first posted it, it (along with Lisa’s comment) gave me the nudge I needed to get back into therapy and stay this time to work through my depression and anxiety.
Maybe it will do the same for someone else this time.
Alexis: Your story is touching, and vulnerable. It’s also true for many successful people. I would like to offer you a sample session of a potent technology for changing beliefs at the core – permanently – and ridding yourself of those old beliefs that take you down in the midst of your outward success. Your FB profile includes the word “Mindset.” Mindset can be changed by changing your core beliefs. Nothing else works. Trying to discipline yourself out of them doesn’t work. Ignoring them doesn’t work. “Positive thinking” and affirmations don’t work. The Belief Closet Process works. Please contact me at 415.472.6500 and I’ll take you through the process. No obligation or exchange requested. It’s my gift to you. Thanks again for your clarity, openness, and honesty.
Lion Goodman
Information about the process: http://www.tinyurl.com/beliefcloset3
Teleclass recording: http://www.tinyurl.com/beliefcloset4
WOW Alexis. I could have written this (and wish I had!) The mood swings, the discontent with an amazing life I have so much gratitude for, the head junk, the lack of self-care in spite of all my coaching people otherwise… I have so much compassion for my clients because I KNOW how hard it is, and we're all doing the best we can to fit it all in, but it's crushing sometimes to feel like you're not living a good example, and we all have such crazy-high expectations. I'm floored by your vulnerability and look forward to hearing about your journey. You've inspired me to take a good, hard look at just what's so important in my life that I can't exercise for 20 minutes a day! Thanks for sharing this. 🙂
WOW Alexis. I could have written this (and wish I had!) The mood swings, the discontent with an amazing life I have so much gratitude for, the head junk, the lack of self-care in spite of all my coaching people otherwise… I have so much compassion for my clients because I KNOW how hard it is, and we're all doing the best we can to fit it all in, but it's crushing sometimes to feel like you're not living a good example, and we all have such crazy-high expectations. I'm floored by your vulnerability and look forward to hearing about your journey. You've inspired me to take a good, hard look at just what's so important in my life that I can't exercise for 20 minutes a day! Thanks for sharing this. 🙂
Dear, Dear Alexis….you are pretty special to share all of this about you. You are such a wonderful person, and take so much time to help everyone else around you…that's what you and your business do!
Please take time for you, to do the things that really make you smile and laugh, even if it's silly..dancing around the house, exercising as hard as you can most days of the week so those endorphins really get your spirit cranking, scheduling time to have lunch or dinner with people who truly are fun or special to be with, just sitting there at home and doing nothing but enjoying a TV show that's fun but not productive…whatever it is, please do it because you're too special to not take as much care of yourself as you do all of us.
I know we've Tweeted about this recently, but you would benefit greatly from partnering with a few people who could actually take parts of your business off your hands so you can watch over you…people who understand what you do, care about the people you serve, and most of all, care deeply for your wellbeing. You'll actually probalby continue to grow even more because you'll have time to be more visionary.
You and I are a lot alike. I saw this in your eyes and on your face when we were together at DAXXX in LA. You feel things very deeply, which I consider a gift. With all the people you are helping, I would also imagine your heart can also become very heavy with their burdens and their problems…because you care and you want to help! That's who you are!
Hang in there dear one….you are moving in the right direction. Think about those times in your life, whether as a child or any time since, when you felt absolute, pure joy. Remember what you were doing, then go do more of those things, even if they were very juvenile, immature or nonsensical. Those are the things that are tugging at your heartstrings that you aren't letting in because you are so busy.
PLEASE let me know what I can do to help. I think you're pretty special, and will do whatever possible to help you like you've helped me and so many others.
XOXOXO
Dear, Dear Alexis….you are pretty special to share all of this about you. You are such a wonderful person, and take so much time to help everyone else around you…that's what you and your business do!
Please take time for you, to do the things that really make you smile and laugh, even if it's silly..dancing around the house, exercising as hard as you can most days of the week so those endorphins really get your spirit cranking, scheduling time to have lunch or dinner with people who truly are fun or special to be with, just sitting there at home and doing nothing but enjoying a TV show that's fun but not productive…whatever it is, please do it because you're too special to not take as much care of yourself as you do all of us.
I know we've Tweeted about this recently, but you would benefit greatly from partnering with a few people who could actually take parts of your business off your hands so you can watch over you…people who understand what you do, care about the people you serve, and most of all, care deeply for your wellbeing. You'll actually probalby continue to grow even more because you'll have time to be more visionary.
You and I are a lot alike. I saw this in your eyes and on your face when we were together at DAXXX in LA. You feel things very deeply, which I consider a gift. With all the people you are helping, I would also imagine your heart can also become very heavy with their burdens and their problems…because you care and you want to help! That's who you are!
Hang in there dear one….you are moving in the right direction. Think about those times in your life, whether as a child or any time since, when you felt absolute, pure joy. Remember what you were doing, then go do more of those things, even if they were very juvenile, immature or nonsensical. Those are the things that are tugging at your heartstrings that you aren't letting in because you are so busy.
PLEASE let me know what I can do to help. I think you're pretty special, and will do whatever possible to help you like you've helped me and so many others.
XOXOXO
I know all about the 'yuck' and am so glad you're talking about it 🙂
Hope focusing on yourself is working for you!
I know all about the 'yuck' and am so glad you're talking about it 🙂
Hope focusing on yourself is working for you!
Oh Alexis you made me cry again today. I was on the LIFT call and when you shared WHY you were doing it, it really touched me because I AM the one that needs that help.
Then this post. This is almost me only I am still at the low point. My situation is just like your first marriage just a lot less money and no kids, just a teen sister.
I don't know how to just relax and have fun any more. I get all ansy if I'm not doing anything work related. I can feel the emails piling up.
I have so many ideas but no time to implement them.
Hubby says the same thing as you, that I still wouldn't be happy when we do pull out of the mess.
Is there any help for the work-a-holic woman?
Thank you so much for sharing. It does make me feel better knowing that I'm not alone.
Oh Alexis you made me cry again today. I was on the LIFT call and when you shared WHY you were doing it, it really touched me because I AM the one that needs that help.
Then this post. This is almost me only I am still at the low point. My situation is just like your first marriage just a lot less money and no kids, just a teen sister.
I don't know how to just relax and have fun any more. I get all ansy if I'm not doing anything work related. I can feel the emails piling up.
I have so many ideas but no time to implement them.
Hubby says the same thing as you, that I still wouldn't be happy when we do pull out of the mess.
Is there any help for the work-a-holic woman?
Thank you so much for sharing. It does make me feel better knowing that I'm not alone.