When I was 13, bat mitzvah season was in full-swing. Every weekend, a different hotel.
I didn’t get a bat mitzvah. My parents said it was just an excuse for a party, not a rite of passage the way it would have been if I was a boy. But I attended lots of them.
And now it’s started for my daughter. 13. Make-up done at Sephora, shoes purchased at Macy’s, a dress she wore recently in a friend’s wedding. Bat mitzvah season has begun.
But it sure seems a lot different than when I was a kid. Either that or I just have her in the right school, with the right group of friends.
Thank God, Jesus, Krishna, Vishnu and any and all other deities listening. Or maybe not.
I mean it sure makes my life easier now, but will it make her life harder later?
When I was 13, bat mitzvahs were all about sneaking alcohol, making out with boys and dressing as HOT as possible.
Kaia said there weren’t even really any boys that the bat mitzvah she went to tonight, she didn’t think there was any alcohol served (even to the adults) and she didn’t seem overly focused on the hotness aspect of her outfit.
While I’m fairly certain that kids overall are not staying innocent and inexperienced longer (this article says 10% of Texas 12 year olds have had sex and a quarter of 7th and 8th graders), I’m so glad my daughter and her friends seem to be.
I know I was definitely not ready to navigate the world of “relationship” as early as I began. If I could have waited a few years to connect with my sex, I think I would have been able to handle it much better than I did, with a lot less judgment, shut down, and shame. But in some ways, my early experimentation was actually really good for the rest of m life.
I had a friend in law school who had never experimented as a teenager (when he had parents present to reign him in), and when he got to law school, he went off the deep end.
Parties every night, lots of sex, lots of drugs and he ended up skewering his law school grades and most of his prospects for the future.
In contrast, I had been there, done that in jr. high and high school (with my parents trying to reign it in as much as they could) so that by the time I got to law school, I was ready to settle down and study every single night for 3 years straight. And it paid off. Big time.
So, I’m curious … when did it all start for you? The sex, drugs (in whatever form you experimented), and rock-n-roll. What was the impact on your life? And, if you are a parent, how are you handling it with your kids? Let’s discuss.
3 Comments
I lost my virginity at 14. He was my first love, and I thought for sure I was going to marry him. My sexuality scared the shit out of my mother. She threatened to send me to a reform school so I wouldn’t be a bad influence on my younger sisters. My next boyfriend was 4 years older than I–a college boy. I was not permiscuous, but built relationships around men that I probably would have been better off “just shagging and moving on”. That was not my nature. I needed love.
Now I have a 20 year old son who is in a LTR with his high school girlfriend. They are sexually active and smart about it.
My daughter is 17 and in a LTR. She and her boyfriend are not sexually active. Yet. I have had numerous converations with her–making it clear that I understand and remember what it is like to be her age and in love. I’ve also said that while I would prefer she wait until she is older to have intercourse, I will get her on birth control should she want to take that step with her boyfriend. It’s weird though. You don’t want them to feel like you are saying YES, but at the same time you want them to be protected.
I do not want my daughter to feel the shame that I felt over my sexuality.
My mother was a virgin on her wedding night. Her entire sexual identity is tied to one man. I am thankful for the relationships I had before I married my husband, even though some of them were really messed up. Having more than one sexual partner (mind you, not dozens) can be a wonderful thing. I came into my marriage with a self-knowledge and confidence in my sexuality.
Neither of my kids know how young I was. I don’t intend to share that with them. 14 was WAY too young.
I suppose I want them to treat sex as a sacred act of intimacy.
I love that you are talking openly with your kids about sex. I really do believe that’s the key. When there is no mystery about it, they are a lot less likely to indulge too young, IMO.
whatever kids do they learn it from their parents and the environment they are in. Why are Kids in the so called civilized countries like America and Europe indulging in Teen Sex ? it’s simple, they are exposed to too much orgies, nudity on TV as well as in real life around them and to make it worse social network has loose headed Adults in the name of “Love” depicting themselves in weird ways on social network. A Kids mind is a curious mind, it would always want to experience the things that it sees around. If Teenage Sex needs to stop, we should not just speak but Act and behave in the appropriate way in front of kids.